Working Theories On Why My Children Do What They Do


kidsPS These are NOT my children. Just stock photos. Carry on.

There are, from what I can tell, two scenarios that explain the behavior of my children. I don’t know which of these is more likely but after lengthy consideration, I’ve decided that it must be one. I will lay out these two scenarios for you and you can decide which you think is the predominant theory.

Theory One

A team of rogue aliens, determined to dominate our planet by molding us into mindless zombies, broke into my home in the middle of the night and injected or installed or inserted (I’m not sure how the aliens are doing things these days, I just know that fewer and fewer rednecks seem to be getting probes in the butt) into my children magnets which have the power to have their poles reversed, at the command of our alien masters.

Theory Two

My children are super intelligent beings bent on destroying the entire planet, one stay at home parent at a time.

You may choose only one theory. Here goes.

My home is modest. We live in a 1400 sq ft home on the peninsula of Halifax. It is by no means small (my grandmother raised 9 kids in a 750 sq ft “house”) but we do often find it cramped. Much of our square footage is taken up by a very large, long living room which means that, generally, there are 3-4 moving bodies in relatively small space. Our house has walls and doors and locks making it, as one would wish, a relatively secure space. To say the least, our children are confined to the 1400 sq ft that make up our floorplan.

Within that small space there are nooks and crannies, desks, kitchens (both play and real), beds, iPads, closets, chairs, couches and all of the things that we would typically find in a house. The point is that even though our house is modest, there is no reason for two children to be CONSTANTLY on top of each other and their parents. And yet, this is where we’re at. I will typically find one on top of or underneath the other, occasionally with one involved in some sort of wild yoga pose while the other uses gymnastics to navigate the landscape of the human form. My wife, imbued with a small frame cannot sit ANYWHERE without two small humans resting on her lap. I WISH my children kept themselves to my lap. I have become the family jungle gym at home and this has created a booming business for both my chiropractor and massage therapist.

Inside our home, are children seem drawn to one another. One simply CANNOT exist without being near/on/under/betwixt/between/around the other. If one runs, all run. If one lays, all lay…in a stacked formation. And if one throws, all throw, typically at each other unless they have focused their attention to one of the mortgage taking care of people. It is as if inside both of them their was a magnet whose polarity was set to attract the other. But that, is inside the home.

Once my children encounter a space where there are WIDER spaces, fewer controls and little to no barriers to escape, the poles switch. My children become IMPOSSIBLE to keep together. It’s like throwing a cat in a bathtub. The cat seems PHYSICALLY repelled and is launched at a high velocity in the opposite direction. In public, people often don’t know I have two children. I can only assume that some believe that I have a twin brother who dresses JUST like me and hangs out in the same children’s activity areas that I do, only 50-100m away.

Now, luckily in most places my children are either very conscious of the fact that they are NOT to go anywhere without me OR they haven’t figured it out yet that they COULD just leave. It depends on which of these two theories you subscribe too. Since my son is known to the entire staff of the Natural History Museum (he literally teaches the staff ACTUAL things about THEIR museum when we visit) and since the library is not SUPER easy to escape from with notice, things have gone well so far but there is that 2-4 second window where I often think, “yup…one of them is definitely gone… the wife is going to be VERY displeased”.

They KNOW that I’d like them to play together in public and occasionally apart in private and yet they seem either unwilling or unable to abide these rules. So which is it? Super intelligent sociopaths or unknowing victims of alien magnetic interference?