Happy Father’s Day, I Guess

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I came to a realization the other day. I’ve always wondered why I try so hard to create and maintain relationships that are clearly not going anywhere. Why do I message people who only message me when they need something? Why do I ask people who NEVER want to hang out if they want to hang out? Why do I push so hard, especially amongst guys to work on a relationship that isn’t there? Happy Father’s Day.

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Jump In The Water

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Today I made one of my more grandiose errors as a father, but I also figured it out, so maybe I’m ahead of the game. I spend a lot of my time lately questioning whether or not I suck at this whole parenting thing. I mean, I have two living children and have kept them alive for a total of 6.5 years. So in some ways, I guess I’m a pretty incredible parent, right? But today? Today I realized I had made a huge mistake.

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Pull My Finger: A Guide To Parenting

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Yesterday my son made me incredibly angry. This happens on most days that end in a y but yesterday was a little bit different. Normally my son makes me angry by hitting or not listening or playing with something he’s not supposed to or being mean to his sister. But yesterday was a little but different because yesterday my son farted on me. Let me paint you a picture.

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I Love You More Than Anything In The Whole World

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Vader can be an incredibly difficult person to be around. My son does the mot amazing things. He’s sweet. He asks people if they’re feeling better when they’ve been sick. He says he’s sorry. He loves to hug. He truly is an incredible little person. He’s also the dark lord of the Sith. Despite every amazing thing that he does, he literally drives me batty. Nutbar. Cuckoo. I’ve tried yelling, I’ve tried ignoring, I’ve held him, we’ve tried timeouts. Everything. Some things works here and there, sometimes for a few days, but when it comes down to it, nothing works for long…until recently. Like some sort of sociopathic care bear stare, I tried love. And it worked.

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The Reset Button

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DadsThe advice I am about to give you is only good for your first child. Once you add a second child to the equation, all bets are off. At that point it’s no longer about strategy and planning and activities. It’s about survival and sobbing and waiting. However, if you’re currently the owner of one small human or are planning on procuring a small human, preferably through honorable (or at least mostly honorable means), then let’s talk about the reset switch.

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I Require Water, Father

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WaterThe other day my Vader asked me if he could have a drink of water. Now, let’s start by setting the scene. I was in the kitchen, doing the dishes and feeding Chewy. Vader was in the living room, watching TV on the couch. His water bottle was directly in front of him and when I mean directly I mean that if he had had a sudden cramp in his hamstring and his leg had involuntarily shot forward, he would have booted his water bottle off the coffee table. In any case, I came into the room form the kitchen and was in the middle of asking him where his water bottle was when I used my eyes and located it. At that point I told him that a) yes he could have a drink and that b) his water bottle was right in front of him. I then returned to the kitchen where Chewy had (presumably) eaten an entire bowl of pasta and a kiwi because apparently her plan is to play offensive line for the Rams in her near future.

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You’re Supposed To Take Care of Your Kids

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MedalI’m a full time, stay at home father of two. I’m at home with the kids somewhere around 30–40 hours a week as my wife is self-employed. When I’m out with the kids, I get a lot of people who say the same thing; “I think it’s great that you’re home with the kids. Good for you”. Well, I’m here to say that that’s a bunch of poppycock. Don’t get me wrong, I think it IS great that I’m home with the kids, but every single person who says this to me is saying it for the same reason; I’m a man. And this is where the poppycock part comes in to play.

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